February 2012
1 post
Connie on travelling
Connie: You know what I've always wanted to do?
Me: What?
Connie: Travel on the Orient Express.
Me: Yeah, me too. And I'd like to do that cross-Canada train journey too.
Connie: That's what I mean, the Orient Express! What did you think I meant?
January 2012
1 post
4 tags
Taxes
One of the things I am responsible for in work is our sales taxes. How much we owe, how much we can claim as a refund. I have three different sets to calculate, one of which is always very small and relates to what tiny amounts of work we do in Quebec.
It isn’t good accounting practice for the person calculating the taxes to also file the tax return. So, once I’ve finished the...
November 2011
1 post
He gets it
Me: Connie isn't in her office...do you know where she is?
Recently hired temp: No, sorry. I haven't seen her around for a while.
Me: Okay. Thanks.
RHT: You know, I get the impression that even when she is in the office...she...
Me: Uh huh?
RHT: ...she isn't really *there*...
Me: Ah.
RHT: ...in the head.
Me: That's a pretty common belief.
October 2011
1 post
1 tag
“I’ve got a music CD and I want to play it through my computer. Can I do...”
– Connie is back, and she’s got Coldplay.
August 2011
2 posts
Connie is really on form this afternoon...all...
Connie: “Hey, we have the same type of cellphone, right? Is yours working okay?”
Me: [checks] “Yes, why?”
Connie: “Hmm, mine isn’t working.”
Me: “For how long?”
Connie: “Since I spilled a cup of coffee on it.”
…
Connie was telling me that she’d emailed all her friends to ask their telephone numbers because her...
Connie: When did you get back from vacation?
Me: Last night, at six.
Connie: AM or PM?
July 2011
1 post
“In weather like this, I just want to eat something cold. A cold soup, like...”
June 2011
2 posts
A busy time
It’s a busy time right now. My company has to prepare the half-year report for our parent company next week, so all our deadlines have moved forward by at least two days. Everyone is in a rushed panic.
As a result, we got a notice today that our weekly half-hour department meeting had been cancelled.
“Hey,” Connie shouted over the cubicle wall separating us, “looks like...
“I’ve been locked out of my computer! Should I call the [accounting...”
– Yes, Connie, and if you get locked out of your apartment you should call the company who makes your safety deposit box.
April 2011
1 post
Trains
Me: We were a bit late coming home from Ottawa because I turned off the highway too early and we hit traffic.
Connie: I do that all the time. On the train. I stay on the train too late.
Me: Oh, okay.
Connie: Sometimes I don't realise until I'm two or three stops past my station.
Me: ...
Connie: Sometimes I realise I just missed my stop and then I forget to get off at the next stop and then I'm two stations away.
January 2011
1 post
I haven't posted in a while
Connie was forced to update to Office 2007 the other week and so now it’s pretty much my full-time job to help her find the Print Preview button.
December 2010
3 posts
2 tags
Connie was about to call tech support
I walked past her cubicle and Connie was on the phone. She mouthed the words “I’m calling tech support” and I stopped. A lot of people had been having troubles earlier in the day accessing the accounting/timesheet software, so I went to tell her that if that was the problem she was calling about, then it was being sorted already.
“No,” she said, and pointed to her...
“I went to see Rock of Ages at the weekend, the rock musical. It was great! They...”
– Connie then started singing, “Don’t You! Believe me! Hold on to that feeling!”
Connie: So have you bought all the presents for your family yet?
Me: Yes, I'm sending them off today.
C: You're an only child, right?
Me: No, I have a brother.
C: Oh yes! That's right! He's older than you, right?
Me: No, he's younger.
C: Oh yes! That's right! He's a lot younger than you, isn't he?
Me: Not really, eighteen months.
C: Oh yes! That's right! He's married, isn't he?
Me: No...
C: Oh yes! That's right! He's single and he's a student!
Me: No, he works in web design.
C: Oh yes! That's right! I remember now!
Me: Connie, were you thinking of your own brother?
C: Er...
November 2010
1 post
Staff Meeting
Boss: We've got to deal with these late payment of invoices. The problem is that we're not getting approval from the project managers. We get the invoices here at finance, and then they'll go out and sit on...well...let's say...pick a name. Pick an employee. Anyone. It'll sit on their desk...
Connie: Er...er...
Boss: ...it'll sit on his desk for what? Three weeks? Four weeks? And they'll leave it there and forget about it...
Connie: Er...er...oooh...
Boss: ...and we'll have sent half a dozen emails asking if they've approved the costs or if they have problems with the invoice...
Connie: Oh...er...mm...oh!
Boss: ...and we won't hear back from th...
Connie: Walter Thomas! Walter Thomas!
Boss: ...I'm sorry Connie, what?
Connie: Walter Thomas! Walter Thomas!
Boss: What about him?
Connie: I don't know. You said to pick an employee. I did. Walter Thomas. He's the one I've picked.
October 2010
2 posts
The reason Confessions of a Genius Coworker has been so quiet recently is that I have moved to a new desk, away from Connie and her brilliant musings. The good news is that today Connie has packed her things and moved over to the cubicle next to mine. We’re neighbours again!
The main thing we learned during Connie’s Big Move to her new desk is that all year she has been using a 2008...
Another colleague of ours is pregnant. She's...
Connie, upon seeing our coworker this morning, said to her, “Oh no! Your baby still hasn’t been born yet? What can we do to encourage him to come out? What if I give you a shock, like, jump out and surprise you?”
Connie apparently doesn’t know the difference between being pregnant and having the hiccups.
September 2010
3 posts
“My God, this zipper keeps going down on me, here!”
– Connie, to nobody in particular, while working at her desk. I have no idea.
Connie: Hey, do you have the same BlackBerry as me? I need some help with something that isn't working. [Connie holds up her red BlackBerry Curve]
Me: A Curve? Yes, here... [I hold up my silver BlackBerry Curve]
Connie: Oh, no, I thought you had a red one. Never mind. I need to find someone who has the same one as me.
Connie: Oh, I just had the most amazing lunch! I have to share this with you!
Me: Go on...
Connie: My Mum made half of it and I made the other half and it took me an hour and a half to cook!
Me: Wow! You're really getting into the cookery...
Connie: Yes! I am!
Me: ....
Connie: ...
Me: So...
Connie: Mmm?
Me: So...what did you have?
Connie: What did I have for what?
August 2010
3 posts
“I’m trying to play a CD through my computer. How do I do that?”
– To her credit, Connie struggled with this for ten minutes by herself before coming to me for help.
Connie does her expenses
Connie: Hey, you created the expense claim form, right?
Me: Yes, I did.
C: How am I supposed to see what I'm writing?
Me: What? You should just type in the cells and it's just...there....
C: But there all these bubbles in the way. I can't see past them.
Me: Bubbles?
C: Big bubbles in the way. With instructions in them.
Me: Connie, look at the top of the screen. Does it say "Expense form" or does it say "Expense form instructions"?
C: Expense form instructions. Why?
Me: You need to use that form as a guide. Download the one called "Expense form" and use that. Use the instructions as a reference.
C: I thought about doing that but having two spreadsheets open at the same time confused me.
3 tags
Connie has discovered the Tim Hortons nutritional...
Connie: Hey! Fuiru! Guess how many calories are in a sour cream glazed doughnut?
Me: Go on...
C: No, you have to guess!
Me: Twenty.
C: No, it's three hundred and forty! Can you imagine? Three hundred and forty calories?
Me: Mental!
C: Guess how many calories are in an apple fritter!
Me: Tell me.
C: No, you have to guess!
Me: Five hundred and eighty nine?
C: No, it's three hundred and sixty! Can you imagine?
Me: Err...
C: Guess how many calories are in six Honey Cruller Timbits?
Me: Oh God...
C: [Makes me guess the calorific content of the entire range of Tim Hortons products, from doughnuts through to cookies to bagels to sandwiches to soups to the bread that accompanies the soups]
Me: [Weeping softly]
C: Hey, [our boss] had a Sour Cream Glaze earlier! Do you think I should go to his office and tell him how many calories are in it?
Me: For the love of God, please...
C: Hmm, I don't want to upset him by telling him how many calories in it. I have my annual review soon! Tee hee!
Me: Yeah, plus there's the fact that you've just spent an hour looking up doughnut nutrition on the internet during month-end.
C: Huh?
July 2010
4 posts
“I had to stop reading it half way through. It bored me, it was so intense!”
– Connie on Blindness.
Connie: Have you heard anything about Pillars of the Earth? It's a new historical drama miniseries starting this week.
Me: No, what time period is it?
Connie: 8:00 at night, I think.
“I keep hearing about this ‘Paul the Octopus’ guy. What team does he...”
– I was foolish enough to engage Connie in a World Cup-related conversation this afternoon.
Printer Hi-jinks
Connie: The stupid printer isn't working again. I'm having to use the one on the other side of the office.
Me: Is it showing an error message?
Connie: Yes, something about a paper size discrepancy. I don't know what that means.
Me: It means that there's two different sizes of paper in the tray.
Connie: I don't know why that would be...I just filled it up yesterday and I only used one size of paper.
Me: Was there any paper already in it?
Connie: Yes. What's your point?
June 2010
10 posts
“I didn’t plan that at all! It was purely in pronto!”
– Connie is accused of not being spontaneous.
“IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’m Johnny!”
– Connie watched The Shining at the weekend. This was her favourite part.
A conversation at the end of the day with our boss...
Connie: Are you coming to work tomorrow?
Me: Yes.
Connie: I'm not. I decided to take the day off, so I just let [boss] know. Isn't that right, [boss]?
Boss: Yes, that's right.
Me: Oh, why?
Connie: Well, so many people are taking the day off because of the G20...I looked at the people who are actually coming in tomorrow and I thought, "I don't want to be stuck here with those losers".
Me: Connie, you realise the only 'losers' who are coming in tomorrow are me...
Boss: ...and me?
Today Connie was quite irate because she bought a jar of expensive hand cream from a beauty store and when she got it home it was half empty. I had to point out the little sticker on the side that said “Tester”.
Connie on the phone with a friend
“Okay, so let’s agree to meet for lunch at 11:45…outside your office building…Don’t be late, okay…yeah, sure…well then, let’s synchronise our watches…wait, no, wait, I’m not wearing a watch…great idea, let’s synchronise our computer clocks!…Okay, so the clock on my computer is showing ten thirty…yeah, ten thirty...
“No, no, I WAS paying attention! Right up until you started talking!”
– Connie, on the phone with a client.
Yesterday a friend in work directed me to Connie's...
There are three status updates posted on her wall that simply say “Connie [redacted] is”, and nothing else.
She has hit “Like” for one of them.
“I don’t eat pizza. But lately I’ve been eating a lot of pizza.”
Connie researches the availability of Billy Zane
Connie: He's engaged to an English model, huh. And she was born in 1979, so there's an age difference. He was born in '66, she was born in '79. So that makes them...
Connie: ...
Connie: ...
Connie: That makes them 17 years apart!
Connie: No, wait...
Connie: ...
Connie: '66 and '79...
Connie: ...
Connie: Yeah, yeah, they're 17 years apart! That's terrible!
Me: They're 13 years apart...
Connie: That's what I mean, yes, 13 years apart!
Me: It's a good job you don't have a job where you need mathematical skills at all, isn't it?
Connie: What do you mean? I'm an accountant!
“He’s much nicer in real life, you know. He was SO MEAN in Titanic. But he...”
– Connie discusses Billy Zane, whom she bumped into in France a couple of weeks ago.
She is now obsessed with him.